THE OVERZEALOUS RUNNER

This is the story about how I almost fainted and threw up in front of a bunch of ten-year-olds:

First, I started by substituting at Mountain View Elementary School. I had a lovely class of fifth graders who were very excited to have a guy for a sub.

Second, I agreed to run their lap with them during PE.

Third, I agreed to be the "rabbit" during the run when the PE coach asked me to. The rabbit lets all of the kids have a head start and then he (or she) takes off after them, trying to catch up. Whoever gets passed by the rabbit has to run an extra lap. The lap is approximately one quarter mile.

Fourth, I sprinted full speed for a quarter mile without slowing down at all. The coach was impressed by how fast I ran, and so were the kids. :) So was I. I passed about half of all the fifth graders, which I guess doesn't normally happen.

Fifth, I hadn't run in about three weeks and I didn't have enough water in my system.

Sixth, I went straight from running to playing jump rope, one of the PE activities that day. After a while I started to feel VERY VERY thirsty. After I got some water I felt tired. Then I started sweating. Then PE was over and I had to collect the kids to go to choir in the auditorium. It was around this time that my body started to go into shock.

I sat down on a ledge as the kids got some water. I stood up to lead them off to choir and I started to black out. My vision went from perfect to spotty around the edges to completely black. Just before I went entirely blind this is what I was thinking:

"Please do not faint in front of these kids. Hold on holdonholdon HOLD ON!! Cmon. There's the door. It's open. I see an faint outline of a chair. Is that real? Reach for it."

As I went completely blind I grasped a chair that I knew should be there and sat down. I didn't faint. I didn't throw up. I rested for about 10 seconds as my vision started to come back to me.

Fortunately for me all I had to do was walk them to the auditorium, where the choir teacher took over for the rest of the class. No one new a thing had happened, except for the super observant ones, who I think saw all the color drain from my my cheeks.

And the PE coach said, "Next time we'll have to give them a longer head start!"

Next time I might die.

THE CRIPS

Yesterday I was with 12th graders all day. Substituting for an English teacher at Dos Pueblos. In one of her classes this was the conversation that I overheard between a girl and a guy:

Guy: "Wasn't your boyfriend in a gang?"
Girl: "Yeah."
Guy: "He was with the Bloods, right?"
Girl: "No, the Crips."

...later, she talks about how after he beat her up she broke up with him. Even later she tries getting people to go to this "huge rave in LA on Halloween."

Another student in the same class describes to his classmate how drunk his mom gets all the time, and imitated her the first time she got wasted around him.

THE PAID VACATION

Friday was the best kind of day to substitute. Do you know why? Because when I showed up the teacher was already there. "I requested a sub last week, not this week," she said. So I went to the office and on my time sheet they wrote down Error and then put me down to get payed for a full day of subbing (105 dollars a day in Santa Barbara).

I was home by 8am.

THE BAND

Today I substituted for band at Dos Pueblos. The band teacher actually only teaches three classes: Entrepreneurship, Advanced Jazz Band, and Beginning Jazz Band. There are other instructors for his marching band. The kids are all pretty much self taught; they get into their sections and practice their pieces. Easy as that.

Period 1: Open doors so students can drop off instruments. No class.
Period 2: Entrepreneurship. Students read.
Period 3: No class.
Period 4: Advanced jazz. Students just jam on whatever they want. I'm talking musical genius status in this class. Some ninth grader I spoke to is in two bands already.
Period 5: Beginning jazz. Students just jam on whatever they want. Not so much musical genius.
Period 6+7: Marching band. Other instructors take over. I leave.


Basically I finished a crossword puzzle today and worked on my Rubik's cube.

THE FIRST GRADE

Yesterday I remembered why I generally hate subbing for kids below the third grade.

I went back to my Alma Mater, La Patera Elementary School, which is always fun. Some of my old teachers are still there (I sat next to my fifth grade teacher at lunch, as a matter of fact). But here is why I don’t like subbing for first grade:

Nicholas F (not Nicholas E, who is an angel from heaven) transgressed the rules for a third time and lost his recess privileges. At that, he began to cry. Violently. In fact, he sobbed so hard that he was literally screaming into a pillow for about 12 minutes. While he was still lying there the principal came in and took him away for about thirty minutes. Later, near the end of the day the school psychologist came and took him out. This is not teaching, my friends. This is behavioral management.

Nicholas was the main source of my pain yesterday, but others helped add salt to my wounds—Kayla the space cadet (who, while we were reading about different houses that people around the world live in, kept saying "Oh, I live in that," [igloo] and "Oh that's my house," [mud and straw hut] whereupon the other students would turn to her and exclaim "You don't live there! Liar!"), Llovani the ADHD kid, Ismael the rambunctious, etc.

Last thing—For younger kids (and sometimes old ones, too), I go by Mr. V. I do this because Mr. Van Nostrand can be quite a mouthful and pretty hard to remember. But I’ve never had it happen like this before: I was called Mr. F, Mr. S, Mr. B, and just plain “Mister” by these kids with faulty neuron firings. All I kept thinking anytime someone called me by a wrong letter was “This is gonna be great for my blog!”

THE HOOK UP

Today I substituted at Dos Pueblos again. For math. Again. This time I subbed for my friend Matt Long, who is "so hot" and "not too old" according to some girls in his fourth period class. Those kind of conversations always make me smile. I don't know why. I think high school romance is just so funny, and hearing students talk about crushes and whatnot always makes me laugh and shake my head.

But who am I to judge? I still haven't figured out LOVE enough to find that special someone.

Yet.

Speaking of which, those same girls tried to set me up with my longtime friend Courtney Medel, who also teaches at Dos Pueblos, in the English department. They said, "Do you know Ms. Medel?"

"Yeah, I do," I replied with a smile.

"She's cute..."

"I know," I replied with another smile. This time I smile because those kids are so silly for trying to play cupid when they hardly know me.

"Ooooohh you think she's cute! Hook it up! You want me to talk to her? I'll be your match maker. For just 20 bucks I can get you a date with her. For 40 bucks I'll get her to pay."

Ha ha, who comes up with that stuff, seriously?

THE APPLAUSE

So this kid just added me on Facebook Monday. This in itself is not news-- probably 50 percent of my friends on Facebook and Myspace are high school and junior high students that I have either substituted for or been a youth leader for in some organized church group.

[By the way, I have a strict policy that I do NOT ask students to be my friends on these social network sites. I accept requests from them to be friends, but I do not initiate such requests. I will only ask a student to be my friend on Facebook/Myspace if I have a previous relationship with them, like I tutored them for three years and I am a family friend, and they named their cat after me..]

But on Tuesday when I stood in front of the psychology class at Dos Pueblos High School with the aforementioned student, I was greeted with applause by the student and another student. Haha, they clapped for me! I should get a raise for this kind of feedback.